Confessions Of An Accidental Reinforcer

Whenever I get on the phone, my children immediately need me.  As soon as they hear the phone ring I could swear that all four of them have a pressing issue that needs to be attended to by me at that very moment.  I think they have a sixth sense or something that Mommy does not want to be interrupted (and so they do!).  Does this ever happen to you?  I’ve taken to locking myself in the laundry room to talk on the phone in peace, but there’s got to be another way!
I know what the problem is.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure it out.  Whenever they interrupt me on the phone, I give them attention.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a good kind of attention!  It’s “I’m on the phone you need to wait until I’m off!”  It’s the dreaded look.  It’s “THIS BETTER BE AN EMERGENCY OR ELSE!”  But it’s attention nonetheless.  And giving them attention is reinforcing their behavior of interrupting me.

If there’s one thing psychologists know, it’s that when you reinforce a behavior enough it’s going to increase!  Giving my kids attention when they interrupt me on the phone only reinforces and increases that behavior.  And the next time I’m on the phone they won’t think twice about disrupting my conversation.
So, what can I do to stop reinforcing behaviors that I don’t like?  First, I need to monitor my own responses.  How do I react when my children do something I don’t like?  Am I accidentally reinforcing behaviors that I want them to decrease, not increase?  Just like with my little phone interrupters, there are probably other things that I’m rewarding unintentionally.  Making myself aware of those behaviors is the first step in getting a handle on the problem.

Next, I need to STOP!  That’s not so hard is it? Oh yes it is!  I’ve tried it a lot over the years and it’s a tough task.  But if it’s important to you like it is to me, then we’ve got to put forth the effort to make the change.  Instead of accidentally reinforcing behaviors that we want to put an end to, we need to ignore them.  It’s that simple.

It’s even okay to set the kids down and let them know what you’re doing.  It doesn’t have to be a secret that you’ve got this reinforcement thing figured out!  For my problem I can say, “From now on when Mommy is on the phone, you need to wait until I am finished to ask me any questions or tell me anything unless it is an emergency (like blood or fire!).”  From then on ignore them when they interrupt you.  After a while they’ll get the idea.  And you’ll finally finish a phone conversation.

Are you an accidental reinforcer like me?  What behaviors do you need to ignore instead of pay attention to?  I’d love to hear from you!  And if you’d like to learn more, check out The Negative Reinforcement Spiral for more of my reinforcement tips and tricks.

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The Negative Reinforcement Spiral

How parents like me sometimes give “accidental” positive reinforcement, often in the form of attention, to their kids even when their child is doing something that they don’t like.  I call it accidental because you’re usually not intending to do it, and sometimes you’re not even aware that you are doing it!

Positive reinforcement occurs when you reward or reinforce a behavior and then that behavior increases.  My example was that by paying attention to my kids when they interrupt me on the phone, I am actually increasing the likelihood that they will interrupt me again in the future!  Certainly not what I had in mind!

Just like with accidental positive reinforcement, parents can fall victim to the negative reinforcement spiral.  Negative reinforcement occurs when your child exhibits a behavior, like crying, whining, or throwing a tantrum, and as a result they get out of something that they perceive as unpleasant, like taking a bath or going to bed.

For example, let’s say your child hates it when you leave him with a babysitter.  If your child screams and cries when you are getting ready to leave, and you stay home instead of going out, then you have rewarded his behavior through negative reinforcement.  In this example, the behavior is screaming and crying and the unpleasant situation that they are escaping from is being left with a babysitter.  The child learns that by screaming and crying that they will NOT be left with a babysitter.  They have figured out how to get out of an unpleasant situation, just scream and cry!

You can easily see how quickly negative reinforcement can spiral out of control and leave you feeling helpless in changing your child’s behavior.  Just like with positive reinforcement, your first step in regaining control is to monitor your own responses.  What unpleasant situations are you allowing your child to get out of by throwing a tantrum?  Some of the most common offenses occur at bed time, bath time, and meal time.

Just like with accidental positive reinforcement, the next step is to STOP!  It will be hard to do, but it will be worth it in the end.  As hard as it is, the next time your child cries when it’s time to be left with the sitter, you need to leave anyway.  No fanfare necessary, just go.  Assuming the babysitter is well qualified and someone you know and trust, they will understand the initial tears from your child and work with your little one to calm them down once you are gone.  It may take a few tries, but both you and your child (and the babysitter!) will be better for it in the long run.

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