The Negative Reinforcement Spiral

How parents like me sometimes give “accidental” positive reinforcement, often in the form of attention, to their kids even when their child is doing something that they don’t like.  I call it accidental because you’re usually not intending to do it, and sometimes you’re not even aware that you are doing it!

Positive reinforcement occurs when you reward or reinforce a behavior and then that behavior increases.  My example was that by paying attention to my kids when they interrupt me on the phone, I am actually increasing the likelihood that they will interrupt me again in the future!  Certainly not what I had in mind!

Just like with accidental positive reinforcement, parents can fall victim to the negative reinforcement spiral.  Negative reinforcement occurs when your child exhibits a behavior, like crying, whining, or throwing a tantrum, and as a result they get out of something that they perceive as unpleasant, like taking a bath or going to bed.

For example, let’s say your child hates it when you leave him with a babysitter.  If your child screams and cries when you are getting ready to leave, and you stay home instead of going out, then you have rewarded his behavior through negative reinforcement.  In this example, the behavior is screaming and crying and the unpleasant situation that they are escaping from is being left with a babysitter.  The child learns that by screaming and crying that they will NOT be left with a babysitter.  They have figured out how to get out of an unpleasant situation, just scream and cry!

You can easily see how quickly negative reinforcement can spiral out of control and leave you feeling helpless in changing your child’s behavior.  Just like with positive reinforcement, your first step in regaining control is to monitor your own responses.  What unpleasant situations are you allowing your child to get out of by throwing a tantrum?  Some of the most common offenses occur at bed time, bath time, and meal time.

Just like with accidental positive reinforcement, the next step is to STOP!  It will be hard to do, but it will be worth it in the end.  As hard as it is, the next time your child cries when it’s time to be left with the sitter, you need to leave anyway.  No fanfare necessary, just go.  Assuming the babysitter is well qualified and someone you know and trust, they will understand the initial tears from your child and work with your little one to calm them down once you are gone.  It may take a few tries, but both you and your child (and the babysitter!) will be better for it in the long run.

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Embrace The Perfectly Imperfect

While grocery shopping recently, I spotted the book Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff For Moms.  It immediately caught my eye.  Sweating the small stuff is something I seem to get caught up in all the time.  Can you relate?  Sometimes I feel so busy with the small stuff that I lose sight of the big picture of parenting.
When I opened the book, the very first chapter was called “There’s No Such Thing as a ‘Perfect’ Mom.”  That’s another message I can get on board with.  I know I’m not perfect, and I’m often the first to admit it.  But just because I’m willing to admit imperfection, doesn’t mean that I don’t fall into the trap of wishing I could achieve it in my day to day life.

Surely I’m not alone here.  We’re bombarded with models of perfect parents in magazines, on tv, and online.  On Facebook we only post about the great things that go on, not the actual day to day behind the scenes difficulties that we all face.  Add Pinterest to the mix and we might as well give up on ever being able to throw a birthday party or decorate a house to satisfaction.

Recently Parenting.com and Today.com conducted a survey of 26,000 moms where they asked moms to reveal their secrets.  You know what they found?  The most common secret that moms kept was that they felt overwhelmed.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why.

Moms today have more on our plates than ever before.  But when you add the drive for perfection to that equation, we end up feeling pretty overwhelmed most of the time.  Why?  Because perfection isn’t possible in parenting.  It’s just not.  And the sooner we come to terms with that the faster we can get on with being the amazing moms we were meant to be.  Ones who are more focused on enjoying time coloring with our kids than on making a craft project worthy of a Pinterest post.
How do we move away from the burden of perfection to a more realistic approach to parenting?  Try these tips and you’ll be well on your way . . .

1. Don’t compare yourself to others.  I know it’s hard to avoid, but that’s where our troubles begin.  Remember that others are only showing you their best.  The pictures they post on Facebook are only a snapshot of their life.  In fact, it probably took them all day to get that perfect shot!  You are only seeing what they are willing to share publicly, which is almost always much better than reality!
2. Do your best, but learn from your mistakes.  Just because we’re not aiming for perfection, doesn’t mean that we can slack off and lay around on the couch all day!  We should always try our best in whatever we do.  But if we fall short or make mistakes, use it as an opportunity to learn for next time.
3. Embrace the perfectly imperfect.  Remind yourself that your goal is not perfection!  You might have to give yourself some pep talks so you don’t fall back into your old perfectionistic tendencies.  Share your new goal of being perfectly imperfect with those around you, even your kids.  Teach them from a young age that although you always expect their best, you don’t require perfection.  From the Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff For Moms book, “It’s a great feeling to know that we are all perfectly imperfect, just as we are.”

For more ‘Perfectly Imperfect’ parenting solutions from Dr. Polly Dunn, visit her at  ChildPsychMom.com.

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